Walking into the Literatti offices the day after the bloodbath was like walking into a ghost town. Desks and offices that just the morning before were filled with cute girls in Banana Republic pencil skirts and guys in skinny ties were now empty and silent.

When I woke up in the morning my mouth tasted like blue cheese and my brain felt too big for my head. Groaning, I found my phone and silenced the alarm. It was 9am—I’d deliberately set it later than usual, planning on going in late. It was close to 4:30 AM when I finally crawled into bed, whimpering like a big fat baby whose toy had been taken from her. I wasn’t taking the day off like William said I could, but I figured I could at least let myself sleep in a little. I sent Megan an email giving her the heads up I was running late that morning. I’m usually the first person in the office at 8:45 so hopefully she would cut me a break, especially since she knew I had a work related event the night before. Plus, what William had said about her—was she getting fired? Moving to a different department? I was dying to find out what the deal was.

I made coffee, chugged water, showered, chugged some more water, drank my coffee, got dressed and made my way to the subway with a pit in my stomach. I had no idea what to expect from Richard when I saw him, no idea how to handle the situation with Kate, and was angsting so hard I half-wished a cab would run over my foot so I would have a legitimate reason not to go to work. How sick is that?

Of course, who do I run into the second I step off the elevator? Richard, accompanied by his boss. We exchanged awkward hellos, Richard’s boss making some crack like, “Good morning, or should I say afternoon? Party was fun, I take it?” Richard looking like he was in just as much pain as I was. They stepped onto the elevator as I stepped off it, and I slunk to my desk. Sitting next to my keyboard was a large iced coffee and a sausage, egg, and cheese bagel from the good coffee place. I assumed it was a peace offering from Richard. It was sweet, but the more I thought about what he’d said to me the night before the angrier I got. Who calls a girl a cocktease in 2013 because she doesn’t want to go home with him? I don’t care that I kissed him back—I have every right to stop it when I want to and any guy who would give me shit for that is just gross and manipulative. That was just one of the bones I had to pick with him. The other had to do with what he said about Peter. This morning, with a clear(er) head, I no longer thought that there was even a shred of truth to what Richard had said about Peter using me. Richard’s only reasoning was that because he’s relationship-adverse, every other guy must be too. Which they aren’t or I wouldn’t have a dad. God.

Now I was all riled up again, and I seriously considered throwing that breakfast sammie in the trash just to make a point! But I was hungry. Also, I heard on The Today Show that this country wastes a third of all food produced, so I didn’t.

As I tore into my bagel, which I begrudgingly admit was delicious, I checked my email. I had an email from Peter, asking me how the party went. See? I imaginary-argued with Richard in my head, He doesn’t just want to screw me or he wouldn’t have asked. Then I instantly felt guilty because it was nice of Peter to ask and if he really knew what I did last night he would probably be sad. Or maybe not? Maybe he was off doing the same thing? He was single and had every right to, even though yeah, it would bum me out if I heard he was making out with another girl. I’m human. But I wouldn’t be mad at him because I have no right to be. I’d rather just not know, which is why I’m not telling him.

I wrote Peter back and asked him what he was doing later. Just as I clicked send, my phone rang. I recognized William’s cell on the caller ID.

“Hi, William,” I said.

“What the hell are you doing?” William rasped. He sounded like he had been up late, doing no good very bad things. “I told you to take the day off.”

“Then why are you calling me?”

“Because I knew you would come in any way,” he said. “You’re such a goody two shoes.” I wanted to tell William that if I was his version of a goody two shoes, I never wanted to meet his version of a bad girl. “What’s going on there today?” he asked.

“Nothing, it’s quiet.”

“Have you seen Megan yet?”

“We’ve just emailed,” I said. Megan had written me back just one line, “Okay.” I used to freak out when she’d send me terse replies like that, but then I realized it’s just her way.

“Hm,” William said. “Okay, well, I’ll call back later.”

“Wait!” I said. “What did you mean when you said that”—I lowered my voice—”she wasn’t long for this world?”

“Huh?” William said. “I can’t hear you.”

I repeated myself, slightly louder this time.

“I still can’t hear you!” William yelled. “Connection must be bad. I’ll call back later!” He hung up. My ass, bad connection. Something was going down today, and I was so not in a state to handle it. I was very weak and emotional. I eyed the other half of my sandwich in the trash. I’d only eaten half of it (portion control), but now I was thinking I might need more sustenance. I looked around to make sure no one was watching, then reached into the trash can and wolfed down the second half. Judge me all you want. I deserve it.

“Hi!” I nearly jumped out of my chair at the sound of Kate’s voice. She was standing behind me, looking well rested. I wish I’d just gone home when she had.

“You scared me,”I said, putting my hand over my chest.

“Sorry!” Kate stepped further into my area and leaned against the wall of my cube. “How late did you stay out last night?”

“Ugh, too late,” I said. “I’m hurting.”

“Yeah, I think Richard is too,” Kate said. “Were you out with him?”

“Kevin was there too,” I added, quickly. Too quickly. Kate gave me a weird look. I tried to change the subject. “Want to have a carb fest for lunch?” I asked.

Kate wrinkled her nose. “I was thinking salad. But maybe.” She turned. “I have to get back to work.”

Ok. That hadn’t gone terribly. I didn’t know whether or not to tell Kate. I wouldn’t tell her without first telling Richard, because that would be unfair. And I knew a confrontation between us was inevitable. I was kind of looking forward to it, which is unusual for me, because I’m not a big fan of confrontation. I had things to say to that guy.

I decided to stop in Megan’s office to see if she needed me to do anything for her, but she wasn’t there. On my way back to my desk, I ran into Richard again. This time he was alone.

He put his hands up. “Don’t shoot.”

I didn’t smile. “This isn’t funny. Not to me.”

Richard sighed. “I was out of line for some of the things I said last night,” he said. “But I’m not going to apologize for kissing you.”

“Thank you,” I said. “I wasn’t looking for an apology for the kiss—we both did that. But you didn’t have to be such an asshole. I stopped it for all the reasons I already gave you and I wish you could just respect that instead of bringing Peter into it. They’re valid reasons on their own that have nothing to do with him. You point blank told me you lose interest in a girl the second you sleep with her and—”

“I wouldn’t,” Richard said, louder than he meant to. He looked around the hallway to make sure no one else was around. But we were alone. “I wouldn’t with you.”

“You would. I’m like a boyfriend pusher. I’d try and make you my boyfriend because I don’t know any other way and you’d hate me and then we wouldn’t be friends and that would kill me.”

Richard sighed and leaned against the wall. He tilted his head back. “You won’t even give me a chance and I haven’t even done anything to disappoint you yet. But you give him a second chance after he broke your heart.” He was talking about Peter.

“He didn’t break my heart. The timing was off. It just didn’t work and it wasn’t necessarily any one person’s fault.”

“I’m just asking for a chance,” Richard said. “Just give me a chance to prove to you that you’re wrong about me.” He took a step closer. “Tell me you didn’t feel anything for me last night. If you honestly didn’t, I’ll leave you alone.”

I couldn’t tell him that, because I did feel something when we kissed last night. Of course I did. Richard is hot, and even better than that, we get along like bandits. We have a similar sense of humor, and I like that he pushes my buttons, and that he calls me on my bullshit. But I didn’t want to be his little experiment, and I didn’t want him to make a fool out of me. I don’t know—maybe he wouldn’t? Every girl says this at one time or another—it will be different with me. And it never is. So why was I even entertaining this?

Richard opened his mouth to say something more but we heard footsteps behind us. As they grew closer I saw they belonged to Kate. She looked like she was about to cry, and I felt a flash of panic. She’d heard our whole conversation, hadn’t she? “You guys, something is happening,” she said.

“What?” I asked, my heart racing as my overactive imagination roared to life and landed on the only possible conclusion: Terrorist attack! Evacuate the city!

“I don’t know,” she said. “Kim from rights was just let go, and so was her assistant. And Richard, I think your boss is with HR now.”

“Oh my god,” I said. This had to be what William was talking about. This was why he didn’t come in today. We hurried back to our desks. On the way, I glanced into Megan’s office. It was still empty. She had to be with HR too.

It was like the goddamn Hunger Games. One by one, various editors and their assistants were called down to HR. When they returned to their desks, they were either crying and/or fuming, tossing their things into boxes that the mail guys had delivered to their desks while they were downstairs.

“Hey.” I turned. Richard was behind me. “I just got a call to head down to HR. It’s been nice knowing you.”

“What?” I gasped. I fumbled to say something to make him feel better. “Maybe they’re promoting you?”

Richard laughed. “You can be really sweet sometimes.” With that, he walked away. Kate and I locked eyes from across the office, and she shook her head sadly.

My phone rang. It was William again. “William,” I said when I picked up.

He sighed. “Okay, do you know now?”

“Yes. What is going on?”

“Downsizing,” he said. “Sales aren’t doing as well as they’d hoped. But you and I—we’re fine. They need me,” he laughed, cockily. “And I need you. Therefore you are safe.”

“Who’s getting fired?”

“They’re not being fired, Josie. They’re being laid off. This isn’t about performance. It’s about money. Money that the company doesn’t have.”

“Fine, fine. Who is it?”

William listed a bunch of names. Megan was one of them, but Kate wasn’t, and neither was Richard. I felt hopeful for a moment before he said, “Oh! And your friend. What’s his name? He was at the party last night?”

My heart sank. “Richard.”

“Yeah, Richard. Listen,” William said. “It’s nothing personal. It’s purely a business decision. They overshot their load when they built the team for this imprint. They just have to get rid of some of the fat. HR will help everyone land jobs elsewhere, and they’ll be fine. You’re young, so this is new and traumatic for you. But I’ve been through this a million times before. I’ve been your friend Richard, and look at me now. He’ll be fine.”

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead up against my fist. Of all days to be so hungover I could barely function it had to be this day. “Okay,” I said, quietly.

“This is why I told you not to come in,” William said. “Just shut your computer down and go home and have a glass of wine and relax. When you wake up in the morning it will be like it never happened.” Have a glass of wine? It wasn’t even noon.

We said goodbye and I placed the phone in the receiver. I was near tears for Richard.

I refreshed my email. Peter had written me back that he didn’t have any plans, and did I want to do something? I was just about to respond when I spotted Richard, back from HR. Kate and I ambushed him at the same time.

“What happened?” Kate asked. She’d gotten to him first.

“Take a wild guess,” he said.

Kate covered her mouth and her eyes filled with tears. “Come on,” Richard said, pulling Kate in for a hug. “I’m fine. They give you a surprisingly good severance too.”

“I’m really sorry, Richard,” I said. He held my gaze over the top of Kate’s head, which was buried in his chest. He reached out and squeezed my hand. “Thanks,” he said.

Kate and I helped him pack up his desk. It was 4 in the afternoon by the time he was done, and Kate’s boss told her to take off as well. Everyone who had been let go had gathered at a bar around the corner, so we decided to go there.

I texted Peter to tell him about the bloodbath, and that I was lending my support by having a drink with  the victims.

“Want me to come meet you?” he wrote back. I wanted to see him, but that would be like rubbing salt into Richard’s wound, so I told him no.

Everyone but Megan was at the bar. I found out that she had just gotten up and walked out when the HR rep told her they were letting her go. She didn’t even pack up her office! Megan had been icy, but she’d been good at her job and I learned a lot from her. I was going to have to send her an email or something—surely we’d cross paths again.

The last thing I wanted to do was drink after the night I’d had, but when I tried to order a club soda, Richard got all pouty. “I just got fired, and you can’t have a drink with me?” I ordered a beer, and nursed it for an hour, gagging on every sip. Meanwhile, I think Richard had at least three Jack and Cokes, and one whiskey shot. I had to turn away when he slugged it, afraid I would vomit vicariously through him.

The drunker he got, the handsier he got. But not with me—with Kate. And she was eating it up. At one point they were in the corner, him with his hand looped around her waist, inches from her ass, whispering into her ear. I watched him kiss her neck—the same way he’d kissed my neck the night before. When Kate turned around to order another drink at the bar, Richard looked pointedly at me. He took a sip of his drink, raising his eyebrows, as if to say, What are you going to do about it?

Nothing. There was nothing I could do about it without coming off like a real asshole. It really was an evil genius move on Richard’s part—if I told Kate not to hook up with him tonight, and I told her I thought he was just trying to make me jealous, I would look like a raging egomaniac. Plus, I’d have to come clean about what had happened the night before, but it wouldn’t look like I was telling her for pure reasons. It would look like I was telling her so that she wouldn’t hook up with Richard, because I was jealous or something. And maybe I was a little. But I was also outraged—a few hours ago you were telling me things would be different with me, and now you’re nuzzling my friend’s neck right in front of me. People who have just been fired deserve a lot of slack, but the scene in front of me was literally reason numero uno why I shouldn’t listen to a single word that comes out of Richard’s mouth. He’s so full of bullshit. He will say anything to get in a girl’s pants. God knows how many others he’s used that line with—”Just give me a chance to prove to you that you’re wrong about me.” What a crock.

I waited for Richard to go to the bathroom and I approached Kate. “Hey,” I said.

“Hi!” she said. She was glowing.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I asked, gently. “Remember how he was the last time?”

Kate rolled her eyes. “He just got fired. The guy deserves to get laid.”

“I just,” I stopped. Richard was coming out of the bathroom, and making his way over to us. He saw me close talking Kate and picked up the pace. Quickly, I said, “I just don’t want to see you upset like that again.”

Kate laughed. “Don’t worry, mom.”

“What’s going on?” Richard asked. He was practically out of breath from having rushed over to us.

“I’m taking off,” I said, giving him a look. “I’ll see you guys.”

Richard hooked his arm around Kate’s waist and pulled her into him. “Cool,” he said, narrowing his eyes at me. “See you.”

I turned on my heel. You have no right to be annoyed, you have no right to be annoyed, I chanted to myself as I made my way out of the bar. But I was annoyed! Why is Richard messing with me like this? And why was it bothering me when it shouldn’t? I needed to re-focus on Peter. Peter, who has been straightforward with me and isn’t playing games like Richard is.

I decided to chalk the last twenty-four hours up to the fact that it was the eve of Friday the 13th, and everyone was acting like damn fools. Myself included. I was also exhausted and needed to go to bed and get a good night’s sleep. In the morning, with a head that wasn’t throbbing like a discotheque,  everything would be clear. I wouldn’t have these conflicting feelings for Richard. I was sure of it.

The Social Media party was crawling with ombre haired girls in leather crop tops and guys doing their best Brody Jenner impressions.

“It’s the reality star effect,” Kevin said to me. “It’s made fame attainable to the masses. Every single person in here has probably filmed some pilot that never aired.”

I’d noticed the same effect going on with the fashion bloggers I’d met through out the week at various events for New York Fashion Week. Gorgeous girls in adorable outfits, all with blogs and “brands.” I had no idea who they were or how they paid the bills, but I swear I stumbled upon the younger, cooler version of Martha Stewart. William was extremely pleased with that find, and she’s working on a book proposal for us as we speak.

I’d watched the first two episodes of the show in Martin’s office earlier in the day. The show wouldn’t air for another few weeks because the start date got pushed back. I think I had a total of sixty seconds air time in each.

“We get into your storyline later in the season,” Martin promised. I was just trying to get used to hearing my voice on camera. I sounded like homicidal valley girl.

Both Kate and Richard were at the party—Kate because she has a bit spot on the show and Richard because his boss had no interest in attending and gave Richard his invite. I was holed up in the corner with the two of them, snarking on the the fame monsters, filling them in on the Peter situation, when Kevin stole me away. “Stuff like this is for mingling, not for clinging to your security blankets,” he snipped. Excuse my lameness.

But he was right—I don’t like socializing with randos and I need to get better at it. It’s how you open up  your network, make contacts that could help you further down the line, etc, etc. It’s just that I’m so exhausted by the end of the day that I have to dig really deep to be “on” come 9 PM.

Kevin introduced me around, and I collected quite a few cards. When people heard I worked in publishing and was responsible for the book deal that Kevin’s “boss” has (air quotes because she only played his boss in the show, but she is writing a book for us IRL), they descended on me like vultures. “My blog this and my blog that, would make a great book, yada yada.” I collected cards and stashed them in my purse. I’d take a look at their little slices of Internet real estate tomorrow. Half of these people don’t understand the difference between to and too, your and you’re, and it’s William’s biggest pet peeve. The onus was on me to weed out the grammatically weak.

After I’d put in my mingling time, I tried to find Kate and Richard, but they seemed to have disappeared. Finally, I ran into Richard coming out of the bathroom.

“There you are!” he said. “I thought you’d left.”

“I thought you both left too,” I said.

“Kate did.”

“Why?”

Kevin looked at his watch. “It’s almost midnight. And it’s a school night.”

I couldn’t believe how late it was. I should have been exhausted, but I was having such a good time that I must have been running on adrenaline. Even so, I needed to be bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow, so I told Richard I needed to head out soon.

At that moment, William approached. “Josie.” He patted me on the shoulder. “You’ve really turned it around in these last few weeks.” His words strung together in a drunken slur. He shook his finger at me, “I almost went to HR about you but I’m glad I didn’t.”

Richard was standing right there—inappropriate! “I’m glad you didn’t too,” I managed to say, which made William roar with laughter. I hoisted my purse on my shoulder. “I’m about to take off.”

“What?!” William looked stricken. “No! Stay! This is your party.”

Yes, the producers threw this party for the girl with the sixty second spot. “We have work in the morning,” I reminded him.

William waved his hand and made a pshhh noise. A spit bubble formed in the corner of his mouth and I stared at it, transfixed. “Take tomorrow off. Hell, I’m going to. Let’s do a shot.” He acknowledged Richard for the first time. “Kid, you too.” Richard rolled his eyes and whispered to me as we made our way over to the bar, “Why can he never remember my name?”

I hurried after William. “Um, that’s very nice of you,” I said, close on his heels. He moved surprisingly fast for a portly middle aged man. “But is Megan okay with that?”

“Don’t worry about her,” William said. We were at the bar now, and he raised his hand to get the bartender’s attention.

“I kind of have to because she’s my boss too,” I said.

“Not for long,” William shot back.

I looked at Richard. He raised his eyebrows.

“What do you mean?”

“Three shots Patrón!” William shouted. The bartender said they didn’t have Patrón. “What do you mean you don’t have Patrón?” William fumed. “What kind of cheap ass event is this? Whatever, just give me what you got.” William turned to me, his face red. “What did you ask? Oh! Yeah. She’s not long for this world, trust me.” 

I wanted to get more information out of him—and in the state he was in I certainly could have—but William was pushing three tequila shots towards us. I took mine back, wincing, and that’s the moment I can pinpoint the night taking a turn.

William was like a shot pusher, encouraging me to do two more. Before I knew it, it was 2am and the party was over. Kevin stopped by to tell me a group of people were headed to an after-party, and invited Richard and me to tag along. I saw William stumble off with some Lauren Conrad wannabe. On his way to his own after-party, I guess.

The cab ride to the Boom Boom Room, in Meatpacking, was the stuff that corny party movies are made of. We begged the cab driver to crank up the music, and the three of us—me, Kevin, Richard—sang-scream at the top of our lungs, sticking our heads outside the window and demanding that other cars beep their horns at us.

At one point, Richard had his hand on my thigh…and I didn’t move it.

We’d worked ourselves up so much that by the time we got to the bar, we didn’t even order drinks. The three of us just hit the dance floor, continuing to scream-sing in each other’s faces. At one point, I attempted to reenact that scene from Dirty Dancing with Richard. We jogged backwards away from each other, and I charged at him. Richard caught me at my hips and tried to lift me up, but his arms failed him, and we ended up crashing to the floor. We knocked into some girl, causing her to drop her drink. Glass shattered everywhere. She started screaming at us, but the music was so loud we couldn’t hear a word she was saying, and for some reason this was hysterical to us.

The next thing I knew we were being escorted out by security. I remember Richard arguing with someone—the manager, maybe? I don’t remember what he said, but I’m pretty sure we are permanently banned from the Boom Boom Room.

“Your loss,” Richard shouted at the bouncer as he guided us out onto the street. We also found this hysterical, of course, and doubled over laughing. We walked like that for a few blocks until we finally stopped, exhausted from laughing, panting, and a little bit sweaty. We stared at each other, catching our breath, and in the next instant we were kissing.

Richard had me up against the wall of some random store front, closed for the night. I think it was the DVF store? Love your work, Diane!

Even though I’m technically a free agent, deep down I knew this wasn’t right. And not just because of Peter—because of Kate, because Richard is my friend and co-worker and because I know how he is with girls and I didn’t want to be just another notch on his belt. These rational thoughts bubbled to my head all at once and I pushed Richard away. “Wait,” I gasped. “Wait.”

Richard tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “What?” he smiled.

“We can’t do this.”

“Why?”He kissed my neck and I groaned.

“Come on,” I pushed him off again. “You know why.”

“Fuck it,” Richard said. “Just let yourself live, Josie.”

Just let yourself live, Josie? Under normal circumstances, I’d scoff at such emo-ness. But I was so caught up in the moment, and Richard felt so good, I didn’t push him away when we started kissing me again.

As though God himself had intervened, suddenly there was a flashlight on us. “Hey!” It was a policeman. “You kids need to get going.”

“Sorry, officer,” I murmured, pretty sure I had hot pink lip stick smeared all over my face.

Richard and I headed east. I saw a few cabs loitering a few blocks away. Richard tried to grab my hand as we walked towards them but I pulled it away. That cop had broken whatever spell I was under, and now I was just feeling like I’d made a huge mistake.

“What?” Richard asked.

“Nothing,” I said. “I just need to get home. I’m exhausted all of a sudden.”

Richard put his arm around my waist and pulled me to him. “My place or your place?”

“Come on,” I said. I gently nudged him off me and kept walking.

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” Richard had stopped walking. He was saying this, and not quietly, from a few steps behind me.

I turned around. “What does that mean?”

“It means you might be the biggest cock teases I’ve ever met.”

Now he started walking, and he stormed past me. “Excuse me?” I said, catching up with him. “I’ve already told you I don’t think this is a good idea—weeks ago—and you know it isn’t.” Richard didn’t slow down, and I had to jog to keep up with him. “We had a lot to drink tonight, neither of us is thinking clearly. I don’t want to mess up our friendship or hurt Kate. Or Peter.”

That got him to stop walking. “He’s not even your boyfriend!” Richard laughed, meanly. “He has got you right where he wants you—thinking you’re the one calling the shots, that you’re the one who’s on the fence about being in a relationship. It’s genius, really.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Josie, no guy wants to be in a relationship. Ever. They just want to have sex and fall asleep and not have to meet your parents or do any of those bullshit boyfriend things. Peter is the happiest man on earth right now because he’s getting to do just that and you’re dumb enough to think it’s on your terms.”

I reeled back like he had hit me. No one had said anything that mean to my face in a long time.

Instead of easing up on me, Richard twisted the knife even deeper. “It’s pathetic that you can’t see it. I feel bad for you, really.”

I blinked back tears. Even though I knew what he was saying wasn’t true, even though I knew Richard was just mad and drunk and trying to take a pot shot, it still hurt. “You’re such a fucking asshole sometimes.”

I turned and started towards the cabs.

“Aw, Josie.” I heard Richard behind me, and I broke into a run.

“Josie, wait!” But I was already in a cab, giving him the driver my address, telling him to go. We sped past Richard and I saw him throw his hands up in frustration. Moments later, he texted me, “I didn’t mean what I said. I’m sorry.”

I ignored it.

I have no idea if I should tell Kate about what happened or not. Part of me feels like telling her is a selfish move, because it will only be to alleviate my guilt. And it’s not like anything happened, happened. The other part of me feels like I do owe her the courtesy of telling her, and that I’m just trying to talk myself out of it because I’m scared she’ll be mad at me. No matter what, I wouldn’t be able to hide how angry and hurt I am, and she’s going to wonder why I’m giving Richard the cold shoulder all of a sudden. One thing I did know for sure was that I wasn’t going to tell Peter—even though it wasn’t the most decent thing to do, he’s not my boyfriend. I didn’t violate any exclusivity code because as Richard so kindly pointed out, we don’t have one.

As for Richard. The thought of having to see him at work the next day made me want to throw up—despite William telling me I could take the day off, I was planning on going in any way. That five minute scuffle on the street showed Richard for who he really was: An overgrown baby who wanted to screw everything in sight but oh, woe is me, I have twust wissues so I won’t stick around after I have sex with you and if you get mad at me then you’re a crazy bitch. God, I hate guys like that. If I had just slept with him weeks ago he would have zero sexual interest in me now, I can promise you that.

But what made me the most angry was that even though I knew Richard was just trying to get under my skin with everything he said about Peter, he’d managed to touch a nerve. Damn him. Now I was doubting myself. Was Peter using me? Was it possible that Richard could see something, guy to guy, that I couldn’t?

I felt like I needed a vacation from my vacation when I got back to New York. Also, a juice cleanse. But since those require a level of willpower I do not possess, I decided to work out really hard instead.

I was supposed to go out to dinner with Ashley and Nina to catch up, but I convinced them to bag our reservation and instead check out this new class that the Time Out New York reviewer said was so hard she had to leave in the middle of it. I lied and told Ashley and Nina it was a yoga class and when the instructor demanded we drop and give her twenty—”The real kind none of this on your knees girly bullshit!”—Nina “accidentally” stepped on my fingers. Afterwards, we walked to my apartment, showered and ordered healthy: Greek Salad from my local diner that comes with a pound of feta and a loaf of pita. My feet will never be able to move as fast as my fingers.

As we dug for nuggets of cheese, I told them about my weekend.

“Babies? Gross.” Nina had this look on her face like she’d just sucked on a lime post-tequila shot. Nina wants kids but can’t stand other people’s. I once suggested that maybe this is not the best sign, to which she replied, “I know I’ll like my own.”

“There was also a five year old who informed me that he was a little bastard.”

Nina spit out her water. “What?!”

“He said that’s what his daddy calls him.”

Nina burst out laughing.

“That’s not funny!” Ashley said. “The poor kid.”

“To be fair, he was kind of a bastard,” I said. “He kept pulling the dog’s tail and kicking his mom in the shins when she told him to stop.”

“Oh the joys we have to look forward to in life,” Ashley said.

“The joys you have to look forward to,” I corrected.

“Josie, come on,” Ashley said. “You know you’re going to pop at least one out. Stop trying to be so anti-establishment.”

“Maybe I will.” I shrugged. “I’m telling you, the only thing I think when I see a baby is, ‘Life ruiner!’ I can’t write the next great American novel with mini ET screaming in my ear.” If you want the armchair explanation of why I don’t think I want kids, I could tell you that my mom raised me to value my career first. That if I ever decide to have kids, I should do it later in life, once I’m established professionally. And that I should never, ever drop out of the rat race to stay at home with them because I just never know what could happen. “I can’t tell you how many friends of mine never went back to work and now they’re divorced and can’t get a job because they’ve been out of the workforce for over twenty years,” my mom told me. But even if my mom hadn’t been the OG Sheryl Sandberg, even if I’d been raised by Susie homemaker herself, I still think I’d feel every bit as meh about the prospect of children. I just don’t feel that tug on my heart when I see a baby. On the contrary, the very sight of a child makes me want to take a big ole nap. Whenever I babysat in high school and college, I was bored to tears after five minutes. Ashley is great with kids—I’ve seen her in action. I’m missing that chip. Having a family is not high on my priority list right now. People tell me all the time that will change, and I’m not arrogant enough to think that I’ve got it all figured out at twenty-five years old. But for right now, this is what I know about how I feel.

“Oh!” Nina said. “That reminds me. One of my grad school friends has a friend who’s writing a cover story for The Hudson about millennials who are ambivalent about kids. She needs people to interview. Would you do it?”

“Yeah, send her my info,” I said.

“Well, it doesn’t sound like Peter is ambivalent about having kids,” Ashley said.

“Guys are so lucky,” Nina sighed. “He’s like a hundred years old and he still doesn’t have to worry about pulling the trigger.”

“That’s why the age difference isn’t an issue,” I said. “He wants kids, but he said he’s happy waiting a few more years and biologically, he can. I think he realized that when he tried to work things out with Elizabeth. Like why would he rush into something with her and settle for being linked to a crazy woman for the rest of his life when he doesn’t have to?” Peter and I had a long talk on our way back from Nantucket—more on that later.

“Well, Tom is ready,” Ashley said. Both Nina and I fell silent. Tom is Ashley’s married boss. Separated but still married. Also, still her boss—she hasn’t found a new job yet.

“Are you ready?” Nina asked.

“He makes me feel ready,” Ashley said. I kept my mouth shut. It’s possible that this could work out, and I don’t want to be the naysayer who said it couldn’t.

“Brad is definitely not ready,” Nina said about her boyfriend. “And thank god.”

The next morning, I sent Grady a text: Sorry I’ve been so MIA. Been busy at work and was away for the holiday weekend. If I’m being totally honest, I don’t think I’m ready to be dating right now. I just got out of a relationship, and my job has been demanding a lot of me and I need to give it my full attention. I hope you understand.

It wasn’t the full truth, obviously. Yes, my job is demanding a lot of me, but I’m still finding the time for Peter. I just don’t think the truth is always warranted in this kind of situation, especially if it will unnecessarily hurt someone’s feelings. No need to make Grady feel bad by telling him I just can’t hook up with someone who might get my underwear confused with his. Grady never wrote back, and that’s fine. I wouldn’t have written back to that either.

Even though I had an amazing time with Peter over the weekend, I needed to take a few days and, “Do me,” as the kids say. I don’t say this flippantly—like it’s justsoooo easy to pump the brakes with someone like Peter. But Peter and I had a good talk on the way home from Nantucket. I refused to get into that small plane again, meaning we had to take the ferry from Nantucket to Hyannis (one hour), then rent a car and drive six hours back to New York. So there was pahhh-lenty of time for us to talk. I told him about this article I read in Cosmopolitan (winkie wink) that said that it can be very tempting to just pick up where you left off with an ex without ever really discussing the factors that caused you to break up in the first place. For me, my main issue was that I felt like I was nothing more than Peter’s little rebound until he got back together with his ex. I want to feel like his equal, and I never want to feel the way I did that night at the charity dinner with Elizabeth and her family.  I had a lot of trust issues with Peter, but they were specific to Elizabeth. When we dated last year, she was still in the picture somewhat. I don’t think Peter was fully over her yet (well, obviously, he wasn’t!). But now that Peter doesn’t work with her father anymore, and now that she’s having a baby with someone else, it seems all ties had been severed.

On his end, Peter felt his biological clock ticking (Paraphrasing here. Peter would never be so lame to say he felt his biological clock ticking). He felt like he couldn’t be serious with someone as young as me. But getting back together with Elizabeth was a good thing in the end, he said, because it made him realize that just because two people want a baby at the same time, does not mean they should have one together.

“That’s why we only lasted a month,” he said. “It quickly became clear that we got a divorce for a good reason.”

After that disaster, Peter realized he was a man, damnit! His swimmers were good for a few more years and there was no need to rush into something just to produce an heir.

It seems the issues that broke us up have been resolved, and somewhat organically. But that aside, I also don’t want us getting so serious right now. I only have so much energy to devote to different facets of my life, and I need to direct as much of it as possible to my job. I told Peter this, and he says he understands. When he dropped me off at my apartment earlier in the week, he said he would text me on Friday to see what I was up to. It’s Thursday and we haven’t spoken since. I guess this is what it feels like to take things nice and slow, and truth be told, I don’t hate it.

The trip to Nantucket started off on the wrong foot when the six seater death machine that was to take us from Boston to Nantucket gurgled and sputtered five minutes after take off, forcing the pilot to turn around and land back at Logan.

“Engine troubles,” the pilot said, once we were safely on the ground.

I turned to Peter, aghast. “Engine troubles?”

Peter laughed. “Josie, he could have made the decision to keep flying. Instead he knew to turn around. That should reassure you.”

Nothing about that was reassuring to me. We had to wait two hours while the engineers toiled away at the faulty gear, and I was so nervous that I knocked back two double Bloody Mary’s on an empty stomach. And I’d taken an anti-anxiety pill earlier that morning. I was practically drooling on myself when we landed in Nantucket.

So yes, I decided to tag along with Peter after all. I wouldn’t have gone if Peter’s parents had been at the house. That definitely would be too much, too soon. But his parents had already returned to Florida (which is where they spend their winters), and the house was his for the weekend. He had invited a few college friends, all of them married, all of them with children. It had occurred to me that when we dated the first time around, I had only ever met his single friends, like Fedora Guy. But Peter was 37, so the singletons were few and far between. The majority of his friends were married with families, but Peter had never brought me around any of those people before. It made me feel good that he was doing so now, like he was taking me more seriously.

As for Grady. I had avoided his calls and texts this whole week. I know! I’m terrible. I just didn’t know what to say to him. He’s so hot, but I just don’t think that I can hook up with someone who gets paid to wear a thong. I don’t want to ghost on him, because I hate when guys do that to me, but it was such a busy week at work and I was out on Friday, and I just didn’t know what to say to him. I promise I will respond to him next week. He’s a nice guy at his core, and I don’t want to leave him hanging.

By the time we got to Peter’s house, I was feeling like Will Ferrell in that scene in Old School where he gets hit with a tranquilizer gun.

“I needz nap,” I slurred to Peter as we pulled up to the house. I passed out for like three hours and when I came to, the house was alive with voices. I brushed my teeth, combed the rat’s nest out of my hair, and put on some mascara.

The kitchen had been transformed since I last saw it. There were play pens, swings, toys, and babies EVERYWHERE. An older kid zipped past me, chasing a dog.

“You’re up,” Peter said, smiling. He gave me a kiss on the cheek. “How do you feel?”

“So much better.”

Peter introduced me around. There were three couples total: Jack and Reese, Ellen and Chris, and Jennifer and Rob. They all pointed out their respective children and I tried to pay attention, but all the babies looked the same to me so I just smiled and nodded and cooed how cute they were even though I felt dead inside. I am really not a baby person, or any kid under the age of 15 person. People always look at me like I’m an insane idiot when I say this, but whenever, if ever, I have kids, I would rather skip the whole baby stage and just go straight to them being teenagers. Give me a sassy mean girl, or a gentle nerd who loves his band camp, over a poopy, crying, blobity blob any day of the week.

“So what’s on tap for tonight?” I asked, mentally crossing my fingers that we were going to The Lobster Trap and I could dive into one of those big red bad boys.

“This,” Reese said, gesturing to the babypocalypse before us.

“We have steaks and stuff to just grill here,” Peter said, off my horrified look.

For the next few hours everyone sipped wine and watched babies. Literally, you guys. Just watched them. When the kids finally went to bed a few hours later, the guys decided to go into town. That sounded like a blast to me, but Reese, who had really taken a liking to me, made a pouty face when I said I was leaving and said, “No! Stay here and drink wine with us!” It didn’t even occur to me that we couldn’t all go to the bars—someone had to stay and make sure the babies were okay, and naturally, the onus fell on the moms.

I didn’t want to get off on the wrong foot with the girls, so I agreed.

“You sure?” Peter asked, when the cabs arrived to take them to the bars.

“I’ll be fine,” I said, trying to convince not just him but myself. “There’s really good rose here,” I added.

Once the guys left, the girls all gathered on the porch. The coffee tabled was littered with wine glasses and baby monitors.

“Josie, we are so happy you are here,” Reese laughed, and all the other girls nodded in agreement.

“You are?” I asked.

“Yes!” Reese said. “We do this weekend almost every year. Peter hasn’t brought anyone since Elizabeth.”

“Really?” I asked.

Ellen nodded. “And we’ve heard so much about you. We’re so relieved you two are back together.”

Jennifer elbowed her. “Ellen!”

“What?” Ellen shot Jennifer a look. “What’s wrong with telling her that?”

Jennifer shrugged. “It’s just a lot of pressure, that’s all.” She looked at me. “You two just started seeing each other again, right?”

“Like two weeks ago,” I said. “I wouldn’t say we are back together by any means.”

Jennifer nodded, like her point was proven. “See what I mean? Don’t go spinning this into something bigger than it is.”

Reese waved her hand at Jennifer, dismissing her. “I just know Peter is ready to settle down. Get his ducks in order.” She pointed at me. “You’re special to him, I just know it.”

It was a really nice thing to say, but it just made me really wish I had gone into town with the guys. Especially since the three of them spent the next hour discussing preschools and I had to pinch my thigh to keep from falling asleep. I asked them about their jobs, and funny thing! Not a single one of them works. When they asked me what I did and I told them I was in publishing, Reese nodded knowingly. “That’s the perfect thing to play around in for a few years before you start having kids.” To play around in for a few years before having kids? Was that a time machine and not a plane that Peter and I rode in earlier? I was starting to have second thoughts about coming.

I was in bed, reading Night Film (buy it now if you haven’t already), when I heard the taxi pull into the driveway. A few minutes later the door creaked open. “Hey you,” Peter said, sliding into bed next to me.

“How was it?”

“Fun.” He took the book out of my hands and set it on the nightstand. Started kissing me.

I put my hand on his chest. “Wait.”

Peter looked at me. “What?”

“I just felt kind of…out of my element tonight.”

Peter sat up straight. “What happened?”

“No, no. Nothing happened. I just…well, maybe I should have gone with you. Your friends are really nice. I’m just worried I don’t have a lot in common with them.”

“I’m not following.”

“They just talked about babies, and you settling down, and how I’m special to you and it just freaked me out. I’m a long ways off from being at that point, and I don’t want to hold you back if that’s where you want to be.”

Peter laughed. “Josie, you’re not holding me back. Trust me. I love all those girls but honestly, they’re just a little bit bored with their lives and misery loves company. It’s probably hard for them to see someone who’s young and has a really cool career and is killing it.” Now, that is my kind of pillow talk. I’m “killing” it? Oh baby, give me more.

He kissed me again, and this time I kissed him back. He swung me around so that I was on top of him, and he slipped inside of me wordlessly. Reaching up, Peter curled his fingers around the back of my neck, pulling my hair so that my head tilted back. He sat up, so that we were face to face, and held me close to him, so that even as he thrust furiously into me, I was brushing against his pelvic bone, a rush building in my stomach. When I finally released I felt a tingle in every limb, even my fingertips.

The next morning, I decided to go for a run and sweat out all the wine from the night before. Peter said that I should just make a left out of the driveway and keep going until I hit the dirt road. “Follow that until it ends,” he said. “It’s a mile and three quarters out, so it’s a 3 and a half mile run total.”

I set off. The dirt road was lined with “rustic looking” million dollar mansions, some close to the road, some set way back. There was absolutely no shade, and even though it was only ten in the morning, the sun was blazing hot. I felt great on the way out, but as soon as I turned around, my stomach decided to go into douchebag mode.

I needed a bathroom, and I needed it now. I was almost two miles from the house. Shit, shit, shit. I slowed to a walk, and looked around frantically for a covert spot in the brush. But with houses on either side of me, I was so exposed! I took a step off the road, but then I heard a car coming behind me, so I bounced back on the path and pretended like I was a power walker. The driver slowed down to wave to me. He was a sweet looking old man, but my god, did I need him to just keep on going and quit dilly dallying. I forced a smile onto my face and waved back. The second he was out of sight, my body just took over. You guys, I don’t even know how to describe it. It was like my brain wasn’t in control anymore and every modicum of human decency went out the window because suddenly, my running shorts were around my ankles and I was crouched down on the side of the road and it was happening. You know what I mean.

I have never felt so disgusting in my life. I sprinted off, praying none of Peter’s neighbors witnessed me pooping on the side of the road like a dog. I made it back to the house in record time. Seriously, new way to shave a few seconds off your mile—soil the back of your light blue running shorts and run as fast as you can before anyone sees you!

There was an outdoor shower built into the side of the house. I didn’t have a towel, I didn’t have any of my toiletries, but I had to get in there and clean up before anyone saw me, namely Peter. I slipped inside, stripped down, and got under the stream of water. Nothing had ever felt more refreshing. Then I heard someone exit the back of the house.

“Josie?” It was Peter. With terrible timing.

“Yup! Just taking a shower.” I tried to keep my voice breezy. Nothing to see in here! Keep moving!

Peter was at the door to the shower. I could see slivers of his face through the wood paneling. “Hey,” he said. “Mind if I join you?”

Why yes, I do mind. “Um, not right now!”

Peter pulled at the door and I dove for my running shorts. I got to them in the nick of time, and flung them over the side of the shower. I heard them land in the rose beds. At some point over the weekend, I was going to have to wedge myself back there and dig them out. That would be a fun activity for later.

“Hey.” Peter smiled. Pulled off his shirt and kicked off his shorts. He stepped under the stream of water with me. When he pressed me up against the wall, pinning my hands above my head, it felt so good that I almost forgot the trauma of the last twenty minutes. Almost.

The rest of the weekend was a much better. (Really, there was nowhere to go but up from there.) The group got a babysitter for Saturday night, and we all went out to a really nice dinner. There was no more talk of Peter settling down from Reese. I got the feeling Jennifer told her to put a lid on it, and for that I was immensely grateful.

Oh, and in case you’re wondering, I snuck out of bed in the middle of the night and dug my shorts out of the flower bed. Then I triple bagged them in plastic bags and stuffed them in the bottom of the garbage, never to be seen or heard from again.